Chan, I don’t even know where to begin.

We met 10 years ago, when I got sent over from the Palladium to the Cambridge, where you were working, for one day. You came up to the level that we were both working on, exclaimed that the girls downstairs were having a really deep conversation and you were not in the mood to be part of that, and then we ended up having such a deep conversation that we both ended up in tears! We shared so much with each other during that first conversation – we were both so vulnerable and honest with each other – and I walked away from the theatre that night knowing that I had made a friend for life. 

I don’t think I will ever have the words to explain the impact that you had on my life, and still do. I watched you grapple with your sexuality until you reached a point where you were able to own it, and then you were there for me as I went through the same process. You were the first person that I came out to – sitting on a rickety table outside the National Theatre! I was with you when you met your wife, and you were there for me when I told you about my first girlfriend. You were by my side through every step of my queer journey – during those moments where it felt so heavy and hard to deal with, you were always end of the phone, encouraging me and giving me strength.

You and I were so different on the outside – me, a shy and introverted soul; you, so vibrant, and oozing confidence – but on the inside, we were very similar. You used to say that we were reading the same book, but you were several chapters ahead of me! And that you needed my help to narrate your parts of the book because I knew all the big words! After spending time with you, I would walk away with a spring in my step, feeling like I could do anything I wanted to if I put my mind to it. It was like you carried so much light and you poured it into me. I have done things with you that I would never do with anyone else and will probably never do with anyone else again. You had me dancing on tables, singing into a mic during YOUR show that you were supposed to be singing in, waltzing with you in the streets to buskers with your hat on my head. You encouraged my creativity – I ended up writing a song to one of your poems and in my mind, that is a song that we co-wrote together. You also got me dancing in a studio during a taster class you were running during a time in my life when I didn’t think I would be able to dance again.

And then you were one of only two people in my life who stuck with me through the worse time of my life – my hospitalisation in 2021. You would face-time me when I was in ICU or on the ward, making me laugh so much that the nurses would actually get cross with you and tell you to calm down! I don’t think you knew what ‘calming down’ meant and I didn’t care, because you made what was such a difficult time of my life so much better. You stuck with me and I will never have the words to thank you for the lightness that you brought to my life during such an incredibly hard time.

Chan, you were and will always be one of my best friends. I know that there are many, many people who can say this, because that is the nuture of just how loved you were by so many people. But know this. We met during a one-off chance encounter. There are so many ways in which we could have NOT met. And yet we did. And I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have called you a friend for the last 1o years. I love and miss you so, so much.